Have been loafing around for nearly a year. Of course I know it's not the time to waste on fulling around and doing nothing. If I could, however, behave, then I wouldn't be still a stupid student here. Still spending all the saving (well, don't think it's my saving anymore) on getting something I don't really know where the life may lead me to. It's not fair saying that, as I am the one who decided to do all this. But now, it's been too long to stick at the original aim. I am really lost now... not only at my study, but also on my own personality. I've been changed bit by bit without self-awareness since then.
I wasn't that tough (well, I thought), was flexible but strong. It seems now to people that I'm tough and difficult to deal with. Am I? appear to be tough, actually feel rough inward. It may be that the rougher inward I feel, the tougher I appear to be? Like gooey sweets and hard sweets, you break the hard sweets as soon as you bite it hard. However, biting gooey sweets, you can never easily cut it off by one bite.
It's kind of up to the limit I can take on. Not that I am feeling collasped or something like that, just that I need a change, a new input, something new, anything new is good for me. On the contrary, I have lost all the motivation to do a new thing, or maybe I'm afraid of trying new stuff (such as people, environment, plans...). What is the wrong with me? I need to be motivated again, for every sorts of things. Study, Lives, Affair, Friends, Compentence, Confidence.... everything...
Writing in English is easier than in Chinese now. Not that my English is better than Chinese or anything like that. They are two different thinking threads in my mind. I found when I write in Chinese, I attend to the words and terms I use and can't bear little mistakes, at the same time, it doesn't mean my Chinese writing is good, rather, my Chinese composition is so poorly presented in my blog. To write in English, I just don't care about any grammar and mistakes. It doesn't matter to me anymore, the purpose I write in English is just to let go of something. Am not doing any English composition or sorts of things, am not a writer. It even doesn't need to be a complete sentence, just writing as talking or narrating. Thus I feel freer writing in English... and easier in my blog. The thing is my mum and family wouldn't understand this...
Chinese is so difficult... (just a complaint of translating a book at the moment...)
I wasn't that tough (well, I thought), was flexible but strong. It seems now to people that I'm tough and difficult to deal with. Am I? appear to be tough, actually feel rough inward. It may be that the rougher inward I feel, the tougher I appear to be? Like gooey sweets and hard sweets, you break the hard sweets as soon as you bite it hard. However, biting gooey sweets, you can never easily cut it off by one bite.
It's kind of up to the limit I can take on. Not that I am feeling collasped or something like that, just that I need a change, a new input, something new, anything new is good for me. On the contrary, I have lost all the motivation to do a new thing, or maybe I'm afraid of trying new stuff (such as people, environment, plans...). What is the wrong with me? I need to be motivated again, for every sorts of things. Study, Lives, Affair, Friends, Compentence, Confidence.... everything...
Writing in English is easier than in Chinese now. Not that my English is better than Chinese or anything like that. They are two different thinking threads in my mind. I found when I write in Chinese, I attend to the words and terms I use and can't bear little mistakes, at the same time, it doesn't mean my Chinese writing is good, rather, my Chinese composition is so poorly presented in my blog. To write in English, I just don't care about any grammar and mistakes. It doesn't matter to me anymore, the purpose I write in English is just to let go of something. Am not doing any English composition or sorts of things, am not a writer. It even doesn't need to be a complete sentence, just writing as talking or narrating. Thus I feel freer writing in English... and easier in my blog. The thing is my mum and family wouldn't understand this...
Chinese is so difficult... (just a complaint of translating a book at the moment...)
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